Friday, May 26, 2006

Double Rejection

I complained about this over at MySpace already but I just can't help myself. Yes, as a writer I'm fairly experienced in rejection. It's a part of the writing life. I know that rejecting a proposal is based an any number of factors, only a few of which I can actually control. The rest of it? I can't do anything about that.

I'm of the opinion that life is not about fate in the sense that most of the world thinks about fate. That whatever happens will happen. To a degree that is true, but fate implies that there is not some intelligence and purpose behind what occurs in life. I believe there is. Nothing takes God by surprise. Many of you know that I lost my father to cancer that came on very suddenly and dramatically. He had three and a half weeks between diagnosis and death. We were all taken by surprise.

But God knew it was going to happen. I knew through the whole thing that God was in control. I'm not going to get into a predestination vs free will debate. It's actually besides the point.

My point is that either God is in control. Or He isn't. Because I believe He is in control - even when I don't understand - then I must believe that the events of my life are not just some random happenings. They are purposeful.

I could go on and on about all of this, but I'll spare you my mental ramblings...especially those that ocur after 10pm.

Anyhow,I got these rather serious rejections today. Serious both in the importance of these projects as well as in how dire my prospects are becoming. I'm thoroughly bummed about the whole thing. Questioning why I put myself through this torture day after day. Wondering if I will ever get to write another book.

And yet.

Yet, if I really believe what I say I believe then I have to look at this with a different perspective. A perspective that says....well, God knows exactly what He is doing. And for whatever reason, those were not the right places for those projects. That God has another way.

I want to believe that - and in my heart of hearts, I do. But I still can't help feeling...rejected. I blame the artist side of my personality. I don't think God begrudges us a good cry now and then (which I'm very glad about because I'm kind of an emotional girl:-)

But like Paul ( 2 Cor. 4:9) - I'm hard-pressed on every side, but not crushed. Perplexed, but not abandoned. Struck down, but not destroyed.

And that doesn't even mean that God will allow me to write another book. Maybe He will. Maybe He won't.

But onward we go.