Monday, May 09, 2005

Mothers and the Great Baby Debate

Yesterday there were a lot of moms at my house. My mother, my grandmother, my aunt and a cousin - and me. Me with my three little girls.

I truly love being a mom and though there are days that I am as frazzled as any other mother - I think it's the best job in the world. My oldest daughter tells me, "Mom, you're the best mom in the whole world." But I think I'm the blessed one to have such great kids.

And that brings me to the Great Baby Debate. My youngest is a little over two now and if I'm going to have anymore, I'd rather do it sooner than later. I've never been the type that wants everyone spaced out. My philosophy is : if you're changing diapers, you're changing diapers, whether it's one or two doesn't matter that much to me.

My husband felt certain that we were done, but I have been so back and forth on the issue that I'm afraid I've made him wishy-washy on the subject too and now he's pretty open to it either way. I have friends that struggle with infertility - and I know they suffer deeply over that so it is not with flippancy that I say that I don't struggle with it. I am very grateful for the fact that we've been able to conceive quickly - but therein lies the challenge. If we decide we want to try, then we most certainly will be having another baby - so I don't want to throw caution to the wind unless we're sure.

And I am so not sure.

The decision to have another child can be approached from many different angles. We could choose to make a calm, rational decision based on lists of the good side and the bad sides (labor & delivery being at the top of my list). But I firmly believe that the Lord has a plan for each of us - certainly He knows better than me what the design of my family should look like. I want it to be completely a spiritual decision - not an intellectual, financial or emotional one.

But we just don't know. I have not heard from God yet on this one and I wonder if my own hormones and instincts (or even just being in the proximity of a pregnant woman or young baby) will allow me to hear clearly even if God told me. And what I am feeling (that we should have another one) often gets mixed up with another part of me that says that I feel content with our family now.

And I just don't have an answer yet. But boy do I want one.