Friday, March 04, 2005

On being Overwhelmed

I know the Scriptures say that God never gives us more than we can handle but I've got to be honest - at times I feel like I'm in completely over my head! Now I know I'm not the only one who feels this relentless drive to do everything well - I used to say I had a drive to do everything perfect but I'm old enough to know that's not going to happen any time soon. So I shoot for "well". I love being at home with my three kids and shuttling them to school. I can even say it gives me some measure of satisfaction when I transform eight piles of laundry in my living room into neatly folded piles of fresh clothes stacked away in the dresser drawers of my family. I love seeing my two-year old's smiling face as she paints and being the one to hold her when the cat scratches her. I don't wish this time in my life away - it's too short as it is. Yet I'm torn. My writing suffers - how much can you really write in an hour and half a day. I find myself fantasizing of having three whole hours in a row to write and create. I dream about having enough time to clean out my office. I wonder when I'll ever catch up on my kid's scrapbooks.

You see, my list of things I want to do has simply grown too long - too bloated for me to ever be able to accomplish at this point in my life. So my scrapbooking supplies sit in haphazard piles on my table, unused. I buy clothes that don't need to be ironed. Dusting happens only when absolutely necessary and I've learned to say no to new responsibilities oft dangled in front of me (usually accompanied by flattery and compliments). But what do I do with all the things that can't be put aside - that can't wait? We need clean underwear and dinner on the table and my two-year old has a very short attention span. I have to leave in twenty minutes to pick my daughter up from preschool and then hurry home to make lunch and then, then I'll get my hour and a half to write. That is, as long as my little one decides to actually sleep. But then there are the piles of laundry still to be finished and by then it will be time to make dinner.

It just never ends.

Even my time with God, which has been so good lately, still takes me away from doing all that other stuff. Did I mention I still need to go grocery shopping and finish preparing my house for eight two year olds who will come to celebrate my youngest's birthday on Saturday? I may have too many balls in the air, but when you've put down as many as you can, what is left to do but try your best to juggle what is left? When did my life become this busy?

All I know is that at the end of the day, I an only do what I can do. Now if only I didn't have that pesky little deadline...