Monday, October 03, 2005

You're Fired!

And I'm not talking about the Apprentice. I'm talking about me! I'm not actually sure you can get fired from a volunteer position anyway, and they did drop the news in a much more gentle way than Donald Trump would ever muster, but the outcome is the same. I've been fired.

I've never been fired from anything! Granted, this is a little tongue and cheek since I was only doing it to bless someone else, but it's an odd feeling indeed to lay down your life to serve and then to be asked to NOT do it anymore.

I'm just not sure how I feel about it all.

I should be happy, probably, because a lot of things in my life weren't getting done. It was hard, there was still a month to go in my "committment", and my to-do list just kept growing. I haven't written a thing in two weeks and I have two more proposals left to finish.

I should be ecstatic and running around yelling "I'm free!" instead of blogging about my mixed feelings.

Even though it's an answer to prayer in some ways (I will admit to asking someone to pray for this very thing just last night - but I really was kidding!), I can't help but feel all those insecurities we all struggle with:

I'm not good enough
You don't like me
I'm a failure

Forget the fact that none of those things are true - we all still feel them at times. I was doing it for free and they still don't want me there!

Isn't it just like the enemy to turn something that is truly a blessing into some self-absorbed pity party? Not much different really than the conversation he had with Eve in the garden. He offers up his version of the circumstances and we fall headlong out of the blessing and into the trap.

Well, I for one, refuse to fall into the trap. It is a blessing - it is His mercy, His love...and it's not supposed to matter what other people think of me anyway.


I mean, you still like me...right? (Just kidding)