Tuesday, May 17, 2005

A Time to Grieve

Today I sepnt the day going through some boxes from my father's office. As many of you know I lost my father to Pancreatic cancer last November. I have been responsible for dealing with his business and sorting stuff out. And every time I look at all of that stuff, it's just hard.

I stare at his terrible handwriting and spelling and just want to cry.

It all happened so suddenly that I still find that I have to remind myself that he's really gone - not away on some extended vacation. And there's no rhyme or reason to why sometimes I feel more upset about it than others.

Maybe it's that Father's Day is coming up - and it will be my first without a father.

Maybe it's the fact that I found the Father's Day Card (yes, i sometime buy cards in advance when I find a great one)that will now go unsent and unopened.

Maybe it's the little post-it note that I left on his computer just a few weeks before he died - before any of us knew he was sick, and knowing that's the last note he read from me.

Maybe it's watching my kids celebrate birthdays knowing that he won't be around to watch them grow up.

Maybe it was writing the dedication for my book to him.

Maybe it's talking to an old friend I haven't seen in a while and sharing about his death all over again.

My husband tells me I'm perfectly normal - that going through waves of grief is to be expected. He even tells me that someday it might not hurt this bad.

I hope he's right.

And meanwhile, I just let it hurt. Comforted only by the fact that I have a wonderful Father in Heaven who is near to my sorrows and acquainted with my sufferings.