Friday, February 24, 2006

A Jonah day

I love Anne of Green Gables. No seriously, here. I wore out my set of VHS tapes a long time ago. I have been hinting around about the DVD's to my husband. (If you're reading this honey, then I've officially moved beyond hinting and am crossing over into the begging stage) So far, no DVD version. He's got a good heart but is not always so great at the hinting thing. I identify with Anne in too many ways to go into today.

Well, in Anne of Green Gables, she has a terrible day when she dies her hair green and gets teased and gets in trouble at school and when she describes it, she says it's been a "Jonah Day". I've always loved that. Sometimes we think of Jonah as an example of someone who was disobedient to God (which he was) but overlook the fact that he really had a no good, very bad day.

I haven't been having a Jonah day really, more like a Jonah year. When all sorts of things just keep going wrong. Little things. And big things. It started back when my Dad died of pancreatic cancer within three weeks of his diagnosis and went on from there. While that was the most painful thing to happen, I've had more than my share of moments when I just wonder where God has gone.

Yes, I said that.

Now I know God hasn't GONE anywhere. He was with me, even when I don't feel it, and even when I can't see or hear the answers to my prayers. He is with me in the waiting.

But to be quite honest, it doesn't always feel that way. It's sunny outside today and I'm not feeling down or depressed (despite the fact that I ate a doughnut this morning - again - that would need it's own post). The Bible talks about "when you've done all. Stand." And that's where I am at this moment. Just standing, knowing to whom I belong. Sure of my place. And completely not getting what the heck is going on! How long Oh Lord, before you rescue me?

One of our biggest struggles in the past year has been financial. It would actually be comical if it weren't so scary! We'd breathe a sigh of relief at an unexpected blessing only to watch it go right out the door with an equally unexpected bill. Over and over again. One step forward, two steps back, and never feeling like we can get ahead of the mess.

But while I'm standing, I also have this undeniable sense of...anticipation. That MUST be God at work because I have no reason to feel that way. I've been praying and expecting things to change for a long time and I'm still here. Yet, the anticipation niggles at me, makes me smile unexpectedly, even though nothing has actually changed.

Our Deliverer IS coming. (And I have this sudden urge to watch all six hours of Anne Of Green Gables.) Jonah eventually got spit out of the belly of the whale, and hopefully we will too.